This post is about finding the answer to your shitti problem that have been haunting you for… well… for your whole life so far. As always, I’m telling it from my own experience.
I consider myself a pretty confident lady, but what comes out again and again is that it is not true. I have a problem – I’m running away from responsibility.
Recently, at the end of last summer 2019. I decided to take my business to the next level. That it is time again after few years of recovering and self-building (working with my beliefs about self worth), to hire a team again and build my marketing business.
To surround myself with likeminded persons, I decided to rent united office with fellow entrepreneur and friend of mine. And so we did. I also had two and a half new team members, who now worked for me. I was ready to grow to the person, I wanted to become. – That was my decision, why I made such effort to grow my business (matter of growth).
Basically within a month everything started to go down (economically). My customers suddenly started to postpone the projects we had agreed on, new customers didn’t join. Even free webinars I did wasn’t successfully attracting leads. If previously (doing things on my own) there had been 100+ signups for the webinar, then now I was lucky to have 25 signups.
I had raised my financial obligations, with salaries and office rent, but made way less, than working on my own. I did not understand the reason. I did look for ways (that I normally wouldn’t do), to acquire more customers within the months, but it’s like the tabs where closed down.
One by one, I had to let go of my team. I had no choice. I was on my own again. Yet I still had the office responsibility. This for me is hardest to let go, because I made agreement with my friend, that I will cover the half. I didn’t want to let my friend down. So I kept pushing and tried to find money to pay for the office and my own expenses.
The situation for me didn’t change. Like there was not enough water or air to breath… no customers – no income. Just few drops (with really small price services). It was strange to me because, when working alone I could pay for the office and salary for 3 of my team members. Suddenly being in partnership with someone, the depths where growing and I couldn’t take care of myself.
Then I realised that this situation is familiar to me. I have experienced this before. The similar kind of scenario comes up whenever I’m in partnership with somebody. Is it office rent, is it employees, is it partnerships etc. I kind of do everything right, but life then always covers me with “shit”.. (like closing the taps). This is a blueprint, that have been haunting me for the whole life basically.
What is behind the blueprint?
Being aware of my “proud to be independent” belief and due to that not wanting to loose my independency (which I was afraid that partnerships cause), I started to investigate, what is the blueprint trying to say to me?
I decided to dig in deep and find out what is this about?! Through journaling I got my answer (by simply asking, why is this keep happening to me).
When I was a little girl, around 6 I believe, I was given a responsibility to stay at home alone. My father trusted me enough, and let me be home alone for a little while. Now during that time they where away with my mother, something happened. Something went wrong. It wasn’t something that I was responsible for. It really was something my cat did. I believe it was lamp she destroyed.
My parents game home and saw the damage. They were a bit angry and disappointed. My father was saying that I was too young to stay home alone. I remember it was hard for them to believe that it was our cat who destroyed the lamp. To clean it up and repair, he wouldn’t let me help. Took me aside and took care of the damage himself.
My father probably wanted to protect me from getting heart. He didn’t mean, I cannot be trusted to stay home. He might have been accusing himself, to leave me home alone in such a young age. But the belief I took in, from that experience is, that I’m not ready yet to be trusted enough to take the responsibility in whatever partnership.
So whenever until now, when it comes to partnership, I’ve already decided (it is a belief in me) that I’m not ready yet/good enough to be trusted and to handle the responsibility. I’m afraid that people will be disappointed in me. I will be disappointed in me. This is what my reticular activating system (RAS) is showing me, whenever I’m in a partnership that demands some kind of responsibility from my side. That I can not handle it yet, I’m not good enough to be trusted.
So if there is some kind of shitty situation repeatedly showing up in your life, dig deep and discover what is it about and change it. Find proof that your belief is not true!
PS! English is not my native language. If you see misspellings or wrong sentence structure, please indicate to it and lets make the article better to read for all of us. My intention is to provide value to you, by sharing my own experience.
PPS! Do you like what I do and would be interested to volunteer helping me share the messages and raise the awareness and improve the lives of entrepreneurs all over the world? Please know that I’m up for partnership. I could use help in text editing/proofread and help in social media.